Are You Certain What You Wish Is What You Want?

There's a first time for everything and, in my experience thus far, a reason for everything.

It's been 2 weeks of not-quite misery; 2 weeks of guilt and questioning; 2 weeks of considering all the angles; 2 weeks of hoping things would work out.

And they did - exactly as I hoped.  For some reason it was hard to trust things would work out, even as they unfolded precisely as I imagined, right before my eyes.

I spent 2 weeks of a full time job at a place that was perfectly okay but doing something I cared nothing about.   I was so happy to just have a job and a full time one at that! I thought I could do anything and put up with almost anything. 

It's been 2 weeks of unexpected self discovery.

Monday I start part-time, but at a place I know I will love, doing work that relates directly to my passions and experience.

Here's to self-discovery!

Rest and Revival

Life cycles.

The things we carry we can lay down.

The waiting becomes action.

The secrets become spoken.

Life moves on.

We must move with it or risk being stuck, sitting ducks for complacency and bitterness over choices not made or roads not taken.

So move we did, while other things rested and laid in wait, patient but also quietly nagging the heart.

Now the season settles with us into a denouement; the ripples from motions set in place months ago fade out.

Time to revive that which rested, toss a new pebble or two, break the tension of life's possibility anew.

Carrying Wait

I'm tired.  Not in my skin, but under my eyes and deep in my bones.  Sleep is light and elusive and dreams are riddled with the realities of my waking hours.  It's hard to clear the fog and find a way to take care of me and my space in the ways I want to.

All is truly well - I'm okay, just weary.

The season is confused.  We're in between the cold grey and the lukewarm pale green. 

My being is in a season of waiting without rest; it's a waiting that pushes through the mob of hours in a day to wait again upon rising, seemingly ceaseless.

I'm carrying the weight of things yet to come, waiting to lighten the load. 

I'm carrying the wait. 

What's in a name?

Inspiration source for this new start/blog title/life feelings:

I See Gold by the Good Lovelies

I feel a change comin'.

You don't get more than you can take.

We are the heavy lifters.  We are the shapeshifters.

💛

No Promises

I don't do well with most promises unless it involves someone I love.  I promise to love, honor, and support my husband and our relationship always.  That one I can do.  I try my best to uphold my friendships and the ones that are truly deep always feel the same, even when time passes us by for a while and adulting makes plans difficult.

However, even when it may involve the things I love/love doing, I don't often keep promises that are to myself. So I can't promise to keep updated on this blog for a year.

But I am giving myself a year of working to make healthier choices and see what it brings me.  

Because I do love myself... and as someone I love, I want to honor and support myself.  It won't always be pleasant or easy (like anything in life that is truly worth doing) but my body and soul are craving the tactile love I give to others so easily.

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I can't work out every day, so I can't promise that.  It's not always feasible with all of the work I do and on top of that I just can't maintain that kind of motivation.  I've known this after trying again and again.  But what will work?  My mind has been saying "Just give it a year and see what happens."

So I'll aim work out 3 times a week and try to walk on two (or so) of the other days.

That's my start.

I don't respond well to restriction so for now I'm not going to place many limits on my diet.  Even just considering those kind of limits stresses my brain out and gives me anxiety.  I recognize that likely indicates some bigger issues...

I want to cook more and I want to be better about my sugar intake.

That's my start.

I want to write occasionally.  I'm not going to say how often or about what.  Just get words out.

That's my start.

I want to read at least one book a month.  Quality doesn't matter, just as long as I like it.

That's my start.

I want to learn new music.  Maybe a song/aria a month to go along with the books.

That's my start.

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I can't promise these things.  I've just got to give it a year and see how I feel from 26.5 to 27.5.  A year of loving myself.

Here we go.

💛

Pressure and Hope

I put a lot of pressure on myself to do things.

I let a lot of pressure go when I'm feeling overwhelmed.

And yet I still manage to feel guilty every time I see this blog tab.

Probably because the desire for all I set out to do in January is still there, but it is weak compared to other goals and life pulls, which take all the time I want to give.

What is left over goes to me, even though it's all mine.

But you know what I mean.

So this slightly-guilty weight just remains - solid, but suspended.

Is this weight to lose?

Or keep holding onto with a strand of hope?

A little guilt balloon with a hope string.

How many of those do I have?

Too many and I'll just float away.

Another Opening

Another opening, another show,
There's no business like show business,
With a special kind of people known as show people.

<3