Pressure and Hope

I put a lot of pressure on myself to do things.

I let a lot of pressure go when I'm feeling overwhelmed.

And yet I still manage to feel guilty every time I see this blog tab.

Probably because the desire for all I set out to do in January is still there, but it is weak compared to other goals and life pulls, which take all the time I want to give.

What is left over goes to me, even though it's all mine.

But you know what I mean.

So this slightly-guilty weight just remains - solid, but suspended.

Is this weight to lose?

Or keep holding onto with a strand of hope?

A little guilt balloon with a hope string.

How many of those do I have?

Too many and I'll just float away.

Another Opening

Another opening, another show,
There's no business like show business,
With a special kind of people known as show people.

<3

1/13/17 Even Donald Trump

A thought rather abruptly entered my mind today while I was on one of my many commutes:

God loves even Donald Trump.

What. Oh.... yeah, I guess so.

It came as a shock, and then a relief.  The shock factor: I don't like him, I don't trust him, I'm rather anxious about where our country is going to be led over the next span of time.  Which is not all his fault or responsibility and I know that.  But as the figurehead, he's going to get the blame.

The relief though?  That for all of our human worries and judgments, there is a greater force who knows something we don't necessarily recognize - a greater force who is willing to offer redemption.
For all of the terrible things people may be feeling or going through, there is a greater force that is in control.

So I will hold onto that and the love I feel from it; I will offer the kindness it offers me to the world, to give hope.  Human beings, as much as we can try, we will fail to love and be kind.  But there is something greater, for me it is God, who always can and always will offer true love, to the last moment.

That love is for everyone.  Even Donald Trump.

1/12/17 Full Moon

I'm just lucky I haven't lost my head.

Turn the Day Around

Sometimes the smallest thing can turn the day around.

I'm going to be a wife (!) in just over 5 months (!!).  And lots of people want to celebrate that, even strangers.  :)

Don't be afraid to celebrate people out loud - you never know when you can have a positive effect.

1/10/17 - Counting Blessings

Today happened.  I'm busy and tired.

But I'm blessed with work and love and a place to rest my head.

Trying not to complain too much.

Worry

Worry has me awake,

Holding me firm, shaking me fast.

Nasty news of troubled times.

I try to tell myself it's always troubled times, 

But this time it seems too terrible.

Dystopian novels seem presently prophetic.

I hope for fiction, a final page,

A happy ending.

Good Day

This was simply a good day - the kind that could happen over and over again with minor variations and I don't think I would complain.  A little work, a little music, a little worship, good food, pleasant company, grey and rainy (though in my opinion, not dreary) weather....

My heart is content in all things, at least for today.  What more can I ask for?

Bleh

Bleh grey meh brain all day

Like clouds and rain

Unceasingly tempestuous.

Giving Chances

It's nice to give chances, second considerations, new contemplations.
Open eyes and ears and hearts,
With quiet mouths,
Leads to learning, knowing, and growing.

Forest versus Trees

I finished watching Good Morning Vietnam for the first time tonight. It leaves me with two main thoughts:

Robin Williams is undeniably a genius. This was already something I knew, but.... once again.... just genius.

I know very little about the Vietnam War. The little I retained from high school history and the few points made in the film about it led me to the Wikipedia page. I hope to find some good books on the subject.  What struck me was Williams' confrontation with his friend towards the end of the film, when his friend exclaims that the U.S. is the enemy, for being foreign and killing people whom they are so far removed from that they don't see them as human. The refugee crisis that occurred during and after the war has echoes in today's crises in my mind.  One main difference now is that technology allows us to be even more removed from killing in war.  Can there really be an ethical balance in fighting "for" others while also unintentionally killing or wounding innocents?  Is there a tipping point on the scale between the greater good versus the value of all human lives?  A forest versus trees problem I guess.

Mundane

Today was relatively mundane.

Work, groceries, put away groceries, quick dinner, other work.

That simple list holds many blessings though.  Work - not only simply being employed but doing things I truly enjoy, food - affording and having it, and the gift of extra time at home with my love when my second job got out early.

It's all a matter of perspective.

Life Rebel

Got many things
Marked off the to-do list
Except cleaning
And making more lists.

Also,
I am finishing my wine
After brushing my teeth
Like some badass
Life rebel.

Precious Cargo

Silver wings in cloud,
Carry my love safely home:
Lonely arms' embrace.

Resolution: Invest

I resolve to invest my time in 2017 - to invest it in quality work, growth, and my own happiness.

I want to create.  I will write here every day.  I will make far more music on my own time.  I will get a ukulele.

I want to learn.  I will learn new arias and songs.  I will investigate career possibilities with teaching and Alexander Technique certification.

I want to risk.  I will audition.  I will shift my work priorities to balance my happiness, growth, and fulfillment.

I want to document.  I will write.  I will take (and share!) pictures.  I won't be afraid of bothering people by sharing my life, my cares, my hopes, my failures and successes, or my love.

---------------------------

In the last year, my life has shifted so much; all of it has been for the better I think.  Yet, I have also been feeling a little bit stuck or complacent in different areas.  I want to break out of that complacency, which weighs on my subconscious as a slow-growing sense of guilt.  I know it is okay to be in a routine, to let things be or feel settled, but I also know that if I am going to see my developing dreams and ideas become reality, I need to make changes.

Life is a long journey.  I don't know what will happen this year, or if all of these things will come true, and what things will come true that I didn't expect.  I'm not going to worry if things don't happen like I want them to, or if they don't happen at all. All I can do is try, forgive any sense of failure, and keep moving forward.

I wrote a blog post for every day of 2015.  I made it many days and made up a few as needed.  What makes me happiest is how much I remember from that year, be it events or even mere feelings.  The beginnings of my true love story are captured in that year and I am incredibly grateful.

This year, I am marrying the man who kissed me on May 19, 2015.  I want to capture this year too - the journey that is both mine and ours.

Here's to life and all of the adventure, possibility, and love that it holds!